bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
