Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
