Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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