even my farts smell like vagina
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
