I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
