he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
