I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize