I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
