I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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