What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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