im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
