I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
