Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
