1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
