the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
