A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
