I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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