You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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