there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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