____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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