you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
