I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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