Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
