Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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