I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
