Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
