It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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