I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
