there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
