Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
