i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
