one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
