In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
