ya dads aren't the best wingmen
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
