I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Randomize
