Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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