He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
