i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
