Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
