She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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