my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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