How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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