I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Randomize
