That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Drunk is a universal language darling
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
