I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
