Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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