No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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