Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
