and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
