just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize