I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize