I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just saw a hot homeless man
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
