so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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