you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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