You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
