I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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