I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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