I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize