my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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