DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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