Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
