dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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