Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
