How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
